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Living With the Passive Aggressive Man, by Scott Wetzler
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A guide to dealing with the destructive syndrome of passive-aggressiveness, in oneself and in others, offers a blueprint for dealing with the problems this syndrome causes, showing readers how to identify the passive-aggressive personality. 35,000 first printing. Tour.
- Sales Rank: #1246894 in Books
- Brand: Brand: Simon n Schuster
- Published on: 1992-09
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: .77" h x 5.74" w x 8.74" l,
- Binding: Hardcover
- 207 pages
- Used Book in Good Condition
From Publishers Weekly
Passive-aggressive men are angry, but out of fear they display their aggressive impulses in passive ways, states New York City psychologist Wetzler. He explores the various ways men become passive-aggressive and advises women on how to deal with husbands, lovers, bosses, colleagues and employees who display these traits. From his own practice Wetzler draws numerous examples of how these men "drive women crazy," from "forgetting" an important meeting to sulking to delivering a barbed compliment. He also explains how women may unconsciously encourage passive-aggressive behavior, and offers tips on ways for them to break the vicious cycle. He even provides a short section on the "passive-aggressive organization." While this book is a trove of helpful and practical advice, many of Wetzler's examples of "passive-aggressive" behavior actually seem fairly benign.
Copyright 1992 Reed Business Information, Inc.
About the Author
Scott Wetzler, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice in New York and associate professor of psychiatry at Albert Einstein College of Medicine, Montefiore Medical Center. He lives in New York City.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Chapter 1
ANATOMY OF PASSIVE-AGGRESSION
When the King of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland tries to calm the Mad Hatter's hysteria by saying, "don't be nervous or I'll have you executed on the spot," the warning could easily have emerged from the lips of a passive-aggressive man. "Yes, no!" "Stop, go!" "I never lie, I was just protecting you from the truth!" What does he mean? The King of Hearts and most passive-aggressive men share the maddening characteristic of never saying exactly what they mean.
He may be a legal wizard, a computer genius, a brilliant analytical scientist or a guy who runs a newsstand, but when it comes to relating to others, the passive-aggressive man has just learned to read. He's as unclear about why he does what he does as you are about his behavior.
When patients describe his psychological abuse, they often begin the same way: "This guy is impossible." "This guy is difficult." "Every meal, every conversation and everything we decide to do is handled like we' re two warring nations negotiating a pact, not two people who care about each other," one woman told me. She could be talking for other women about their husbands, fathers, bosses, the shoemaker.
What's the appeal of a guy who says in one breath, "I love you/I hate you," or, "I promise.../Why should I do anything for you?" If you have any emotional investment in a passive-aggressive man, it's because you've probably fallen for his salesmanship. He's brilliantly persuasive at selling himself -- whether it's his brooding stoicism, his understated charm, his boyishness or irresistible seductiveness. You buy into his elusiveness; but you also buy into his neediness. You feel for him and want to be the one who breaks through, who tears the walls down and gets him to shape up. In many cases, it is a thankless mission.
Problems arise with the passive-aggressive man because of his fatal flaw: an indirect and inappropriate way of expressing hostility hidden under the guise of innocence, generosity or passivity. If what he says or does confuses you, or, more likely, angers you, this is why. You're not the only one to react this way. It's what passive-aggression is all about.
INSIDE PASSIVE-AGGRESSION
A seemingly paradoxical term, passive-aggression asks the question, How can a person be passive and aggressive, rather than one way or the other? It's a common misconception about passive-aggression that its perpetrators swing alternately between the two behaviors -- either willfully with premeditation to control others (aggression) or in a self-effacing manner (passivity).
The truth is that the passive-aggressive man doesn't ride an emotional seesaw (although he may put you on one); he's not passive today and aggressive tomorrow, depending on the circumstances. Rather, the passive-aggressive man is simultaneously passive and aggressive. The paradox reigns because he renounces his aggression as it is happening.
Since passivity and aggression are contradictory by origin and act, you can see that we are dealing with a complex and fundamentally ambivalent creature.
Passive-aggressive tactics aren't that easily read at first; it takes a while to figure out what this guy is getting at: the blur of meaning lies in his genius for creating discrepancies between how he pretends to be and how he acts, which is a better indicator of his true intentions and feelings. You're always receiving mixed messages because he wants you to guess what he wants almost as much as he wants to fool you or string you along. This is what his double-speak can sound like:
-- "I can't live without you," a passive-aggressive boyfriend says as he kisses you and leaves the room. Or, when the two of you are alone, he asks "Why are you around all the time?" when he means, I'm terrified that you'll leave me.
-- "Are you interested...?" a passive-aggressive husband may whisper to a wife who makes an affectionate advance toward him, while what he is really thinking is, Why am I asking her when I'm not that turned on? Or he says, contrarily, "Sometimes sex is overrated," when he means, I want you, all the while expecting his wife to know that he wants to be seduced.
-- "We've noticed your administrative skills and would like to discuss a special project that's coming up," a passive-aggressive boss says flatteringly, hinting at a promotion, but then you never hear from him again. What he really meant was: What makes you think I'd even consider you for that secret project, and how'd you find out about it anyway?
Or, he might try a version of this empty promise:
-- "Okay, I know I promised to pick up your kitchen stuff at Sue's place, but my car broke down. Maybe tomorrow..." a passive-aggressive brother assures you, but he's thinking, Why do you keep asking me to do anything involving Sue when you know I can't stand the sight of her, and besides, I hate hauling freight in my new car.
-- Or, a passive-aggressive friend says, "I wanted to be the first one to buy you a disk for your new CD player...something really great, something you'll love -- eighteenth-century harpsichord favorites that took me a week to find for you," but what he thinks is, This should let you know how low-brow your taste in music is. Your idea of culture is the Miami Sound Machine.
The man in each of these examples isn't playing diplomat; his baiting behavior isn't inadvertent, though he hopes you'll think it is. This is a man who's driven to appear above suspicion, guiltless and guileless. That's why you find that most passive-aggressive men negotiate the world as "nice guys" denying even the slightest hint of hostility or conflict.
As with a brother who'll easily break a promise five or ten times rather than just say, "No, sorry, I can't," this man will lie to keep you on a string until the game reaches its limit and he's finally forced -- by you -- to confess that he can't come through. If he's someone who's been in your life a long time, you may find you're always arguing about the same thing, year after year. Most of all, you wonder why you still jump through the same flaming hoops he holds up, how he can still get a rise out of you.
If you're typical, and at the end of your rope with him, you may fantasize about ending your relationship -- and this includes abandoning relationships with "impossible" relatives, like fathers and brothers. But you don't act on it. Or, if he's a key player sorely affecting your job, you might just give up and quit, but the passive-aggressive colleague you leave behind won't believe he's done anything to obstruct your career. More likely, he expects a huge pat on the back for doing everything to boost your efforts and calls you ungrateful, to boot.
Whoever he is, your relationship with a passive-aggressive man probably leaves you feeling unsettled and insecure, wondering why you're always at an emotional crossroad. Most of all, you wonder how to make your life with him a better place to be. Before I get to the latter, I'll take you through what makes him tick and keeps him running. The passive-aggressive man's modus operandi has two primary component parts: passivity and aggression. Let's begin there.
A CLOSE LOOK AT PASSIVITY
When it's used as a power play against you, passivity can rouse you to anger just as much as an active display of hostility. But why does someone's inaction so anger you?
The answer lies in the qualities that make up "passivity." Traditionally, a passive person shows little initiative in getting what he wants; assertion is a labor and comes about hesitantly, if at all. Male passivity covers a wide range of behavior, from the classic "loser" -- the weak, inept type who has a hard time keeping a job -- to the "conformist" -- the man who rolls with the current, buoyed by approval seeking, not making waves, changing his opinions in order to be liked and rarely stating what he feels and thinks at any moment.
In certain corporate or bureaucratic circles, he's the yesman. On occasion, his quick-change sentiments delivered to the right person at the right time may serve to get him what he wants. As a guy who just wants to fit in, he may reach some level of success, but he's a poor leader and decision maker; he avoids big responsibilities, and he'll stop short of a top spot. As he sees it, others are better able to make the right decisions.
"This man's a baby. He's sharp, he's charming, but emotionally, he's about four years old!" women say, and they're right. Passive people -- and here I include women, too -- all suffer because they haven't quite grown up. They're childlike and continue to rely on others.
Larry is a good example of passive dependency. An engineer in the construction business, he can never remember to bring cash, check, or credit card when he goes out to dinner. It isn't that Larry is cheap; rather, he has a compulsion to get others to pay for his meal -- he needs you to feed him. His excuses take the same unrealistic and juvenile line of thinking as, "The dog ate my term paper." You don't believe Larry's story, but it is that boyish, ingratiating look -- that need to be loved and forgiven -- that suckers certain of us who take to babying him.
That Larry needs to be "nurtured" by someone with money -- that is, an adult with power -- makes him passive; that he has to trick you into doing it makes him passive-aggressive.
You'll find that passive men and the more complicated passive-aggressive men have a trait in common: both are reluctant to assert themselves directly, in a firm but tactful way. They shun and fear self-assertion, mistaking it for unleashed aggression. The consequences of assertion scare them. Their internal line of thinking goes something like this: "If I do this, straight out and simply, I'm telling you what I think, what I'm going to do or what I feel. This leaves me open to a possible challenge, disagreement or loss of support."
This emotion-packe...
Most helpful customer reviews
7 of 7 people found the following review helpful.
Excellent Book - Helps You Identify What You're Dealing With
By Lana R. Fountain
This book was a game changer for me in my marriage. I was at the point of pulling out my hair trying to understand why I did not have intimacy with my husband. Then one day, I heard my mother-n-law say to me, "Everyday, I fight to maintain my sanity." I knew that then that I had to dig deeper. This book helped me to level-set my life, and examine what it is that I really want in day-to-day living. If this is you: "He won't cooperate." " He's distant." "He won't even commit to a time when we can come together, never mind the day." - then this book is for you.
The author provides real examples in layman's terms that are a mirror reflection of some of the things that may be going-on in your life. It is an easy read, and helps in identifying the problem - from home life to work life - and helps you devise strategies to develop solutions that work.
I urge both women & men to get this book; understand what is really happening in your life; and make a decision to take control of your destiny.
46 of 47 people found the following review helpful.
Very Helpful
By cj
This book validated for me what I am going through with my husband. I believe everyone has passive aggressive behaviors, but some people purposefully use PA to control or manipulate others for a host of reasons, and basically make a lifestyle of it. My husband does not act this way to other people usually- just toward me. I highly recommend reading this book if you are thinking this could be the issue in your relationship-read it before you go to counseling. It will give you something to suggest to the counselor and help keep you from wasting time. Beware of going into counseling with a PA partner as a couple. He will lie, say half-truths ect in the room, YOU will be the one getting upset (read downright disgusted and mad) and then he will turn around and blame YOU and say, 'see I told you she is emotional and angry all the time'! All the while he will maintain perfect composure and seem so sweet and caring, saying 'we're only here to help you sweetheart!'. That is what a PA does! The book does go into some detail on handling the PA relationship and how your own actions (read- RE-actions) may be helping to enable him in the behavior. Author says that three type of personalities may help to enable the PA without the other partner realizing. The Victim, The Manager and The Rescuer. I do see myself as a little of all three maybe, but definitely the last two. One thing he didn't talk about and I have noticed is not in other books I have read either-- is that some of us are in the relationship and do want out -but what about The Trapped. ? I find myself placating his behavior so he doesn't get mad and decide to divorce me (which PA men will do lots and often). I have no education beyond high school 20 yrs ago, no job skills or work history, no family well off enough to help me, I have 3 kids to care for and health problems and will lose my health insurance if we split. I really know that ending this in a divorce will not be to my best interest financially. Of course he knows this too. Therefore he can treat me any crappy way he wants and he knows I won't leave. This puts him in control. Bottom line, if you can't get out, start getting an education and working toward making a life for yourself if you can. Find other things to enjoy in life, because chances are your PA if it is bad enough-is not going to change. If your partner is not willing to attend counseling-go for yourself-you deserve it! Read this book-it can't fix all of your problems by itself- but it is nice to understand what is going on, be able to relate to other's experiences and get some ideas to have a place to start.
7 of 7 people found the following review helpful.
My Introduction to PA; Glad I Started Here
By Mintapple
After twelve years of marriage, this is the first book I have come across on the subject of PA. I've been looking at ADHD, Asperger's, male depression, and otherwise trying to understand how two people who truly love each other keep winding up SO unhappy together! Actually, we may have gotten the answer years ago when a personnel worker told my spouse that he was "passive aggressive," but no one knew what that meant. Now, finally reading this book, I see what has probably really been going on with us. In addition to great information, examples, and suggestions, I especially appreciate the author's attempt to convey, with real sincerity, not only what, but why so many concessions may be needed to help a person with PA. Instead of just recommending more "things to do" concessions and accommodations, he brings his advice full circle. I can see how the changes I am willing to make may rebound to MY benefit, not just make life easier for my endlessly put upon, misunderstood, unappreciated, alienated, but "not going anywhere/changing anything" partner.
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